"Everything? Everything about it. And-- the fact I still don't fully understand what happened. Maybe I never will." Malcolm frowned and wrapped his arms around himself, clutching at the edges. Feeling weak like this in front of someone else... it sucked. The reminder of how powerless he'd been. Fundamentally, he knew it wasn't his fault either, and if he were the one in Nathaniel's position, he would have insisted the same to someone else who went through it. That sometimes bad situations happened to people who didn't deserve it; sometimes you're rendered powerless to stop what's happening around you and it isn't a sign of weakness.
But he still couldn't stop that... disconnect, when it came to himself. He couldn't stop his stomach from twisting at the thought of anyone in his life finding out, knowing how weak he'd been, right there and in the aftermath still unrelented. This went beyond anything he'd ever sustained prior to coming here, and the way it continued to tear at him even months later only compounded the feeling. He should have been able to get over it. There were people in the city whose entire lives had been little more than bloodshed, for Christ's sake.
He breathed out slowly. An attempt to get a grip on himself. "I was..." He couldn't even say the word when he was talking to Charles. "...paralyzed." Even saying it felt inadequate. "The whole time, during... I thought he did it to me. I thought he'd done something to me to make it easier to..." Malcolm averted his gaze.
"I couldn't move, couldn't even blink, or shout, or-- anything. I don't even think I was breathing. Yet every one of my senses worked perfectly. I was fully aware of everything. It was, literally, the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. And that's even compared to the pain itself. Which certainly ranks up there, too."
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rosecarmine
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Date: 2024-02-23 12:58 am (UTC)But he still couldn't stop that... disconnect, when it came to himself. He couldn't stop his stomach from twisting at the thought of anyone in his life finding out, knowing how weak he'd been, right there and in the aftermath still unrelented. This went beyond anything he'd ever sustained prior to coming here, and the way it continued to tear at him even months later only compounded the feeling. He should have been able to get over it. There were people in the city whose entire lives had been little more than bloodshed, for Christ's sake.
He breathed out slowly. An attempt to get a grip on himself. "I was..." He couldn't even say the word when he was talking to Charles. "...paralyzed." Even saying it felt inadequate. "The whole time, during... I thought he did it to me. I thought he'd done something to me to make it easier to..." Malcolm averted his gaze.
"I couldn't move, couldn't even blink, or shout, or-- anything. I don't even think I was breathing. Yet every one of my senses worked perfectly. I was fully aware of everything. It was, literally, the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. And that's even compared to the pain itself. Which certainly ranks up there, too."